worn by the war in me
by clintnat
Summary: Set during S03E11; Dawson still leaves, but Casey stops her and they have a much needed conversation. **request


**Requested by and dedicated to Zoe. Set during 3x11: Dawson still leaves, but Casey stops her and they finally talk.**

* * *

Something about the way his voice cracked and caught in his throat forced Gabby to stop, tears burning- contrast to the cold Chicago air- as they ran down her cheeks, bags in hand.

Matt's tone was pained; riddled with worry and clouded with the same guilt and confusion that she'd been carrying on her shoulders for months, but there was something else. Something that she knew all too well- a feeling that held the lump in his throat and shook with his tone. The same feeling that she pushed aside with every close call or every time that he'd barely made it back to her, the same feeling that she'd had as she watched her brother nearly bleed to death in front of her, or Shay- when she'd begged her best friend to open her eyes, knowing that she wouldn't.

Fear.

Matt was downright terrified of losing her.

Gabby stood still just outside the gate in front of their apartment, unable to move as Matt approached. His hand lightly brushed against her own and she couldn't help the shaking sob that formed in her chest.

"Gabby," it came out as a barely audible whisper as he brushed a strand of hair out of eyes, leaving his hand to rest against her cheek. In the light of the dim street lamp, he caught her eyes- his own begging her not to do this, not to walk away, "Baby, please."

"Matt-" Gabby started, closing her eyes in attempt to break their gaze.

"I know," Matt sighed, "I know. None of this- none of it has been easy and it probably won't be for awhile but I love you and I need you to talk to me, Screw separating home and work conversation, just talk to me. Let me fix it, let me make it okay."

"Matt, you can't."

" _Please_."

"Matt-"

"Why?"

Gabby turned away from him then, facing the front door. Heavy tears fell from her eyes, turning into sobs and she couldn't do it. She couldn't find the words or get a hold of herself enough to tell him that she hadn't felt like herself in months or that she didn't think that she deserved this- to love and be loved or to be passionate about her career. Not at Shay's expense.

"Baby," Matt said again, taking her hand as he led her to sit on the stairs. She didn't say anything or make a move to push him away again once he wrapped his arms around her, her head finding the familiar spot just below his chin.

Her sobbing had turned into gasps for air as Matt held her, the sound of his breathing the only thing anchoring her to reality.

"We switched places."

"What?" Matt pulled back just enough to look into her eyes.

She turned away, burying her face in her hands, "Shay and I- I was- I let her take...I let her take the lead and when the beam came down-"

"Gabby, no."

"It should have been me."

"No."

Gabby took a deep breath, still avoiding Matt's gaze, "You can't be objective."

"You're right," he nodded, "But it's not your fault. You didn't intentionally hurt Shay."

"I know, but-"

"Gabby, no," Matt used his hand to lightly move her face, forcing her to look at him, "It's not your fault."

She shook her head, "How- how can I do this when she can't?"

"Do what?"

"Shay's never going to get married, she's never going to have a family, she never even had the chance to become the PIC, Matt."

He sighed, _finally_ understanding where her head had been at the past few months, "Do you think that she would want you to miss out on those things?"

Gabby stared at the ground, unwilling to answer as now silent tears fell.

"Gabby."

"No- I, I don't know."

"She wouldn't," he wrapped his arms tightly around her, kissing her head and whispered, "I wish you'd told me."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

Gabby sniffled, one hand reaching up to hold onto his shirt, "I've been shutting you out and...I didn't know how to stop it, I don't know how to stop it. I failed you and I failed our relationship, and I've been pushing you away because I don't...I don't deserve this."

Matt shook his head, "You haven't failed anyone or anything. I'm not going anywhere."

"Matt."

"No, listen to me. I know that you're afraid, and I know that we've got a long road ahead of us but I'm not going anywhere. You deserve this- to be happy and to have all of your dreams come true, and I plan on proving that to you every day for the rest of our lives. Don't think for a second that Shay wouldn't agree with me."

They sat in silence for what felt like an eternity; Gabby slowly resting into Matt without realizing it. He didn't care about the cold- the fact that it was below freezing and he wasn't wearing a jacket, all that mattered was the girl in his arms and the secret weight that she'd been carrying for so long.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too."

 _Whatever happened, they were going to get through it_ , Gabby thought as she slid her hand into Matt's, intertwining their fingers. _This_ was safe and warm, and maybe it wasn't the complete answer, maybe it wasn't going to solve everything right away, but she had something- someone to hold onto and she needed that. It would have been a mistake to let that go.

"What happened to your hand?" she asked, noting the dried blood on one of his knuckles and the remnants of white dust that settled around it.

Matt chuckled weakly, deciding better than to act oblivious, "I'm gonna have to pick up some drywall repair."


End file.
